Wordy Thursday - Bum Trouble

As one of the millions who endure the annoyance of that most pernicious yet little understood and dismissed condition of Irritated Bowel Syndrome, I came up with the idea some years ago of writingn a collection of humorous (hopefully) and maybe even informative observations on Bum Trouble - something from which we all suffer from time to time but in true British fashion seldom mention. Here's an example of one essay - and it gets very unpleasant towards the end (as it were), so if you don't wish to know me TOO well, look away now.

On seeds and other indigestibles

Everyone is familiar with the humorous indigestibility of the sweetcorn kernel. They are the opposite-end equivalent of the diced carrots one is said to invariably find in vomit. One point in the favour of sweetcorn is that only the outer husk remains undigested; the inner pulp, wherein one hopes some goodness must lie, has been absorbed. Such is not the case with seeds. Seeds remain stubbornly undigested in their entirety.

Seeds are important because they appear in both of the two new food groups. The reader is familiar, I am sure, with the main food groups – Fat, Carbohydrate, Protein and so on – but in recent years two others have been added to this list. They are Roughage and Foods That Are Good For You. The latter group includes oddities such as ‘shoots’ and ‘dried fruit’ as well as our friends, the seeds. The determining factor of a Food That Is Good For You is that it should be expensive and appear on the front page of classy women’s magazines. Roughage, also known as Bulk, is the dietary equivalent of industrial packaging and is intended to ‘keep you regular’, as my old grandfather might have said had I ever bothered to talk to him.

That seeds are Roughage I can fully understand. They are tough and inedible and pass through all the rigours of the alimentary system bravely unscathed. But that they should be considered Good For You is beyond me. If they remain undigested – and they do – how can any goodness have been extracted from them? A sunflower seed might contain the elixir of life within its carapace but it’s no good to me shut away in there.

And don’t tell me to chew the things. It is not my intention to go out and buy a bag of seeds and munch on them like a bolemic budgie. If I must encounter seeds in my diet then it shall be through my normal, everyday eating practice. The seeds I refer to are those I find sprinkled on the tops of bread rolls; those that are yclept ‘Rustique’, ‘Harvest’, and yea even ‘Multiseed’, for they are shameless in their profligacy.

Bread may or may not be Good For You. I doubt that it is good for me, indeed I am convinced it bulks me out more than any other food in my diet. But it is convenient. I hereby announce a new food group to add to the recent ones of Good For You and Roughage – Easy. Bread, Potatoes, Pasta and Pizza – add any other Easy comestibles you wish. None of them are good for you, but by God, you eat a lot of it, especially if, like me, you are cursed with ‘a Job’.

Yesterday I stuffed myself with a seeded roll. Today I divulged myself of a peculiarly large and well-formed turd, one that any hairy-arsed man might be proud of. But oh! The irritation and fiddle-faddle I endured when I came to my after-dump ablutions. After two or three teeny turdettes manifested themselves on the over-soft toilet roll I was employing, I found I had no choice but to investigate further with a finger. It was like exploring a rockpool. My arse was be-barnacled. It is astonishing how many little nooks and crannies are formed within the folds of one’s anus and how snugly and cunningly seeds are able to conceal themselves within them.

And mark you – it is imperative that each and every one should be removed, for the fidgety irritation they would afford you later on can scarcely be overstated. Even the Chief Torturer in the court of old Peking would have failed to devise the subtlety of irritation I suffered due to a concealed linseed one hot summer’s day several years ago.